Three-Legged Improv

Hiyall, I'm Bobby Lee and today on Back 40 Robotics I'm going to show you how you can take a roll of duct tape, 15 yards of copper wire, an old set of orthodonic headgear, and the motherboard from a vintage digital football game like this one, and make yourself this awesome translator headset. Just hook your lips into the upper and lower manipulators, here and here, attach the lead wire ends to the 9 volt- battery taped right behind your ear and you'll be speaking to your horses in their own language, instantly. Don't waste time with tedious language lessons; let this inexpensive home-made translator do the speaking for you!

A rubber spatula, a Grand Inquisitor, an after school tv special.
 
Tomás de Torquemada smiled gently at the camera and said, "Don't worry kids, I was also bullied in school and I went on to become Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expected that! Igor, bring in the next heretic and fetch the rubber spatula!"

Plastic bottle, the first man on Mars, burlesque show
 
Eddie was strutting his stuff on the stage like a pro, but he almost collapsed into Barbara’s arms as the curtains rolled down for the first break, snatching the empty plastic bottle from her with a moan. It was a while before he could speak.

”Sorry Babs, I had too much to drink with lunch - the real first man on Mars was wearing a real space suit with a water recycling system in it!”
 
Sorry, forgot again -

the Hubble telescope, an ardent Spurs supporter, the queue at the post office.

FYI, Spurs is the fans’ shortened version of the name Tottenham Hotspur, an ancient and venerable soccer team based in London, England which is currently in the Premier league - so they ought to be quite good, really.
 
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“Did you see that kick by the Spurs team captain; I bet it’s in a new postal code now and I’ll prove it!”

“I’ll even go as far as to say you’ll need to Hubble telescope to find it out there in outer space, Lads!”

Standing in the queue for the post office, the news came in that yes indeed, it did leave the solar system and it was in a to-be -named postal code, “I told you all so; that’ll be my new postal code and I’ll have a pint to prove it!”

Clean Linen, Milkman, Victorian Romance
 
It was the age of steel machines, and steamy stories.

He was a son of a cattle breeder.

She was a girl coming from a long line of cheesemakers.

She looked damn good in leather, but it wasn’t why he sneaked after every delivery, to see her at work. He loved the way she moved… The way she strained cheese through clean linen fabric. Her fingers working subtly, as if she was playing an instrument…


newborn, light, music
 
This might be a good time for a quick recap of the Three Legged Improv rules (from the original post, way back). I've noticed quite a few departures from the original intent recently.

@Ihe said: "Hey guys, how about a bit of literary stretches before going off to the big race? Some harmless improvisation challenges to pass the time sounds marvellous to me, while I grudgingly wait for the next 75, 100, and 300-worders to start.

I don't know if this has been already done here, but if it hasn't, the simple rules are as follow: You give: an item, a profession, and a setting or genre, and then the next person must write up a story (or fragment of one) in no more than 3 sentences using these elements, direct or indirectly."
 
broken teleporter, pizza delivery, Lovecraftian

Shaun loaded the pizza in the teleporter, punched in the address, and watched the pizza dissapear with a satisfying blip—another succesful delivery. But there was no confirmation from the customer's end, where did the pizza go? Smoke and sparks began emanating from the transporter, followed by a mass of thin writhing tentacles and a tiny screeching head, 'DELICIOUS FEED ME MORE!'

A gun, an actor, a sci-fi convention
 
‘Hand over your wallet, or you’re theoretical physics’, growled the costumed assailant.

Make believe starship commander William Shatner was surpriset be faced with the barrel of a gun, instead of a biro and a copy of Tekwar.

‘Typical, you Sci-Fi nerds will grab any opportunity to change the subject to something nerdy’, he noted.

USB cable, butcher, twelfth century soap opera
 
"Ximena, my Beloved, look what I have brought for you from the Holy Lands, salvaged with my own hands from the sand choked catacombs of the Saracen Al-Kemists," the handsome Crusader knelt on one knee, offering her the primitive dongle, " a token of my undying devotion."


"It is too late, my darling Rodrigo," the Princess replies through her tears, "My father knows you have already lain with my step-sister, Katerina, for she is swollen with your child, and, although I do not love him, I am betrothed to Abdul, the renown halal butcher of Valenthia."


"It is beautiful, mystic and strange," she says, turning the small token in her hand before hurling it across the cold granite floor, " But what use it to me, now that I shall never be Queen of all Iberia?"


Ovipositor, Social Worker, Victorian Gothic Fiction
 
The grotesque and deformed chicken sat above the butcher’s table with its macabre ovipositor extending down to the waiting basket as egg, after egg, was slowly released into it.

The social worker, looking over her glasses, eyed the scene before her disapprovingly and began notating in her journal, “Dr. Stoker, the conditions within this dwelling are inappropriate for the raising of children of any status, and I have yet to see or hear any of the orphans you have adopted to confirm their conditions or health!”

A dark and anorexic figure with a piece of fleshy spinach hanging from a crooked tooth stepped out from the shadows, a glass of opium brandy in hand, “You are mistaken Madame as those are the children, and you are their guest of honor on this dreary morning.”

Rubber Chicken, Mortician, Harlequin Romance
 
The mortician looked down at her client Mrs. Jones while applying the last of the makeup, pondering why her love, Rubber Chicken, left her for a clown as tears ran down her face.

A letter arrived from Rubber Chicken; he did love her, and he was at a slapstick convention but will be back soon with a surprise, how her heart longed for him!

On Mrs. Jones’s funeral day, as the mortician opened the casket for display, there was Rubber Chicken, on Mrs. Jones’s face, with an engagement ring in beak; all there applauded, even Mrs. Jones smiled as the two newlyweds embraced.

Spatula, Short Order Cook, Fantasy
 
Both Sam and Ella had warned Fungerton that a job in their burger van would mean putting up with an idiosyncratic chef.

'Could you hand me the, uh, erm, whaddya call it -spatula or fish slice?', Fungerton asked on his first day.

'Neither my liege -I call it the source of all human knowledge, the excalibur of thought, the nexus of knowing, and you may use it once you prove your worth in hand to hand combat.'

Brick, hustler, Icelandic saga
 
Thorolf made ready to go a building with long boat filled with sheep to trade, for his house of sticks was weak and must be made strong against the coming winter's wrath, and then he landed on the shores of Home Depo.

The merchant wove a tale of an enchanted brick, one that would become the house of its owners’ dreams when placed next to his old one, and with full trust of heart, Thorolf gave all his sheep to trade and his new boots as well to the merchant, and journeyed home; the merchants was called Loki of the isle of Fooledyouagain.

When Thorolf came to his journey's end, he presented the enchanted prize to Salbjorg his wife of noble spirit, who took it and hit Thorolf upon his head thus sending the brick into the sky, for the brick was not of enchanted stone, but that of plain wood.

Scone, Auto-mechanic, Italian Opera
 
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GIUSEPPE BLOGGSI: This scone
Inflames my passions.
This scone from her fair hand,
Has cleaned the crud from
The carburetor
Of my broken-down
And guilty heart!

[From "Il Meccanico del Pudsey."]

Tree, dentist, urban fantasy
 
Once upon a time, a knight rode past a woman who was attempting to mend a shirt with a hammer and a nail.

"Madam," said the knight, "for what reason do you use such tools when needle and thread would work so much better?"

"Sir," replied the woman, "for what reason do you use sword and shield when wisdom and kindness would work so much better?"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Flashlight, accountant, giallo
 
The door creaked open at her touch, then the torch dropped from Angelica's boneless fingers as a spasm of terror gripped her. The light died but it was too late: she had already seen what was spread all across the desk, the floor, the bed.... paper!

"I think we need to have a little word about your expenses reporting," said a mild voice from the darkness.

Assassin, tuba, Young Adult dystopia
 
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